Some months on now

Some months on now.

Have been dealing with Husband's depression and the re-building of our marriage.

Have been enjoying my new job, enjoying being normal again, breathing out and giving myself a break.

It is good to be drinking again. Eating whatever I like. Living again. Pushing the child thing away and not thinking or agonising about it for a while.

Trying to move forward and cope with a childless life.

It isn't the end of the world. I can learn to be happy childless. I didn't think I could but I can.

Whatever, forcing the issue wasn't getting anyone anywhere. I have to live for the moment and see what happens for a bit. Trust in the way of the world, the way things are, fate.

The other way was driving me to the brink, probably contributing to the emotional wreck of a state that B is in.

Trying to come to terms with the emotion of the past few years, I have begun to realise quite a few things.

One is that my yearning for a child, for a family, was genuine. It is still genuine, that will never die.

But there was also something else going on. The years of tortuous trying, unhelpful doctors who drove me crazy with their ineptitude, the constant battle to try and make things happen - all this was making everything worse and making life unlivable.

It made me frantic with frustration and crazy with the exhaustion of trying too hard. No proper solution or way forward could have happened in that state.

It is the time to just start being happy now. No more of this wallowing in misery wishing for something I may never be able to have.

Sad

Am not angry anymore, just sad. Found myself crying this morning, out of the blue. Just reading the paper and tears streaming down my face. No particular thoughts, just emptiness, and sadness.

I got ridiculously anxious yesterday before going to a friend's bbq for the World Cup England vs USA game. Should have been a nice thing. See a nice group of friends, be cooked for, have much needed fun. But I got all worked up about whether to go or not, and none of my concerns made any sense, not even to me.

I realise now I didn't want to face people after the failed IVF. Tell them, see their sympathetic looks, confront it in any way. One nice friend just said she was sorry and I found that I couldn't even respond to her or acknowledge her comment in anyway. I filled up with tears and started asking her about something else, something about her life. Talking really fast as if that would make it all go away.

Anger at the Clinic

O dear. Don't feel so OK anymore. Somehow the sadness has come and overwhelmed me a little. I feel very vulnerable and delicate and close to tears today.

It started with anger last night, and I could not sleep. I started thinking about the clinic and how impersonal they were, how little attention was paid to us, my response to the drugs, my symptoms, and the generally dismissive, slack and uncaring way we were treated through a very harrowing experience.

Maybe I am getting the situation out of perspective through some stage of the grief process but I feel we were taken advantage of in our delicate state and I am now suspicious that the optimum was not done to ensure success.

When I called to give them my results on Tuesday they said I needed a follow-up appointment. When I said I could not do next week because of starting my new job they suggested a phone 9.30am appointment, which was fine. At 10.10am, 40 minutes late, I called up to see what was happening. I was told the consultant was busy but would call me when she could. When I pointed out we had been waiting 40 minutes and asked if we could have a clearer idea of time the doctor came on the phone angry, saying she had pregnancy scans that day which had to be priority, she was 'fitting in' this call as a favour because I could not come the next week. I felt let down and angry that, the day after a BFN, when I was in a fragile state, she was angry with me for questioning an appointment which was already 40 minutes late. I did not show my anger but moved on but in retrospect it makes my blood boil. We have paid her nearly £5,000. It is one thing to be late and busy but not to apologise and be angry at that stage of the game is, I think, out of order.

It was the last straw in a build up of issues. It was always a battle to get any appointment. Even to get them to answer the phone/reply to email at times. Then we were kept waiting at least 30-40 minutes at every appointment. During the last appointment we had with our 'consultant' (before we even started any treatment - she was absent from all proceedings until the day after the BFN after that) someone actually came into the room while we were talking and rushed her out, saying they needed her for something.

At this appointment, she had said she wanted me to see the thyroid specialist she worked with to prescribe me steroids as I have high thyroid antibodies. She would send him a letter, and send it to me, to explain what she wanted from him. When I got to the appointment 10 days I had not received any letter and neither had he. I eventually got this letter a couple of weeks later, when I was mid-way through the drugs.

I tried to explain to him what she had said to him anyhow. He said he didn't think I had any issues but would do a blood test to make sure. I never received the results to this blood test, despite chasing several times. 1 of the nurses asked me about it when I went to start my other drugs. I said he had said he would write to the consultant. The nurse actually said maybe he had but maybe the letter was lost under a pile of paperwork. She said she would ask the consultant. I heard nothing and the next time I came in for a scan my follicle had suddenly grown ready for collection and it was too late for the steroids anyhow. At this stage in the game I made the decision not to dwell on this negative aspect of things and keep positive so pushed it all out of my mind, but the consultant or thyroid specialist have never explained or got back to me about what happened and I can't help but think it was all very unprofessional and unthorough. What if these steroids had made a difference? Even if they would not have it would have been nice to be informed and reassured.

This is all in addition to the fact that they told me I had a follicle which had 'disappeared' days later, and the strange 'egg which didn't look like an egg but then turned into an egg' on collection day. And the mixed and inconsistent information I got whenever I called up the nurses for advice. Some nurses were incredibly lovely. But some really were not.

This might all be out of proportion in my mind. It might not all be so terrible. And it certainly is not going to help me to dwell on it too much. But I never want to go back to that clinic again.

What Happens Next

Feeling surprisingly ok. Have had moments of anguish, bursting into tears on the train, but even that feels ok. Have just let myself cry then felt better again. Am just taking life slowly.

Things with H are a lot better which clearly helps. He still has these moments of extreme irritability which send fear to my heart but since that horrid Sunday, he has managed to control them, or quickly re-correct them, and I have managed not to over-react to them and just walk away and let him be grumpy.

We had a good talk on Tuesday after the BFN. Went for a meal at his suggestion. Lovely to have a couple of glasses of lovely wine. Had been a while. Our waitress was very pregnant which upset him, but I was strangely ok about it.

I told him that while I felt we needed to take 'the summer off', have some fun, try and sort our relationship out, I was not prepared to wait another year for whatever happens next to happen. He has made me do that twice before. Not intentionally perhaps, but it ended up being a year each time until he was ready and my eggs do not have such time. I also don't think this dragging things out has helped either of us. So I would want to tackle the 'next' by September.

He asked what I saw the 'next' as being. I said I felt my eggs had given up the ghost so maybe egg donation from Spain. It easier to get a Spanish egg as they have different laws there. Also I am half Spanish so somehow like the idea of a Spanish egg if its not my own.

He started talking about adoption. He seemed really into it despite the fact it would tie him to the UK for longer. His older sister is adopted and his brother-in-law and he has really good associations.

I started to think that maybe this was a good idea, especially since he was so positive. He wanted to get the ball rolling straight away and at the moment I feel I should just go with this possibility and not dwell too long. It would mean no drugs, no vast quantities of cash being doled out, no cruel, chance dependent process to mess with your mind. In effect, egg donation would be adopting an egg anyway. I would love the child as much I am sure. All I really crave is a child to look after, a family. I would miss the pregnancy but who knows, if I let this happen there may be time for IVF again in the future.

Meanwhile the doctor did say we should try again, but my faith in her has been lost. Considering my lack of egg this time, and the confusions of my treatment, and the lack of the personal touch all the way through the process at this clinic, I do not know whether she is saying this to get more money from us or because she really genuinely does think it is the best thing to do.

I think we would have to change clinics all over again if we went IVF again. Plus I really don't think H could afford/ cope with it all, and he is so positive about adoption.

I hope we can find some calm time to talk about it more this weekend.

Gandhi

Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive, because your words become your behaviours.

Keep your behaviours positive, because your behaviours become your habits.

Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.

- Mahatma Gandhi

BFN

BFN. Was expecting it but still feel numb.

Shouted and hung up on a Virgin Media call centre man who refused to help after his engineer cut off our TV. He just didn't care, didn't even pretend to help, despite it obviously being their error. Engineer came yesterday to fix the internet and cut us off the TV as well. Just when I need TV trash the most.

Passed the hassle onto H who seemed chomping at the bit to attack them. Now not sure was a good idea. Also want to call them and shout at them some more.

H seemed surprised at the BFN. Didn't know what to say. Had seemed to blatantly obvious to me.

My friend was BFN as well. It feels like it is all a scam. IVF swallowing your money and no success.

Weekend Release

Weekend away for the wedding of my mum's best friend was the tonic I dearly needed.

H too. Drinking wine and joking around with a group of really nice people seemed to do him the world of good, he is back to his old self. At least for now.

Actually, he was good from Friday night when he came back. Doesn't seem to accept that just because I am bleeding means that I am not pregnant. I suppose the nurse in the clinic was quite emphatic that bleeding can happen. Its just I am pretty sure she didn't mean bleeding this much. It was nice to feel he had some hope though, somehow made me feel better. I will take the test tomorrow just in case, while not expecting much.

I have been feeling very tired, though. At points during the wedding and when I got back last night. Have been collapsed for most of today also. In and out of sleep on the sofa. I suppose it is a natural side effect of losing all this blood.

Was in a big dilemma about whether to drink at the wedding. In my head I can't see how I am pregnant. I have let myself have a bath and drink some caffeine. But alcohol seemed a step too far. In the end I volunteered myself as driver which took the dilemma away. Then found I didn't actually want to drink anyway. In retrospect I don't think I would not have been up to it as felt like I had a hangover without having a drop anyhow! I will allow myself a symbolic cocktail if the test is negative though.

The Comfort of Familiar Strangers

Odd day. Started so calmly. I thought I could cope with not being pregnant. That I was more accepting this time. I got stuck into the much needed gardening. Or de-weeding.

But as the day wore on emotions gave way. A friend sent me a necklace through the post, out of the blue, to let me know she was thinking of me. It had a little dolly on it, the symbol of our friendship group, and BF. Before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out in the garden.

Then I got angry with H, the fact that he wasn't there. The fact he hasn't been there for me this time. I know he can't help it. That being angry at him will just make things worse. But they were moments of fury, of blame.

Then I bought some plants to replace the weeds and felt better. Just going to see the flower man always makes me smile. He has become my friend. Then I went to my acupuncture appointment, having decided to lie to her, not tell her about my period starting. But I couldn't keep it up. She is so nice. And I trust her. I ended up crying in her room. She did some 'heart points' on me and I realised how good she is. Amazing how immediately comforted and warmed it made me feel.

Now I am in the cafe up the road which does Wi-Fi. Internet connection failed at home. Like the acupuncturist and the flower man, the funny little waiters here are also reassuringly familiar. I am not ready for facing friends yet but it is amazing what comfort can be got from these familiar strangers. Since talking to these three I feel sad but calm. Ok. In control.

I just need not to think that today probably means I will never have children. That dark thought which lurks unconfronted. I cannot quite confront it yet.

Full blown

Full blown period now. I know it can happen - but it feels like clutching at straws to believe I might possibly be pregnant now.

Somehow the fact that this period came so early, earlier even than last time, makes me feel more of a failure. I don't even get to do the test to see.

On top of this it is so bleak with H. He is working late and is very distant since Sunday's outburst. I emailed his sister with my concerns and she has replied very sensibly, but compounded my feelings that he just cannot live in this country. And I cannot live in Australia. Especially since it would just be for him.

Spotting - Beginning of the End?

Spotting has commenced. Brief blob yesterday then more this morning.

Rang clinic and they said lots of women have spotting in early pregnancy so to double up on the pessaries. But I feel it is the beginning of the end. Is too similar to last time. Don't know if it was my imagination but the nurse's voice of sympathy seemed to tell a different story to her words.

It was like that first doctor's eyes just before she told us that it wasn't just the case of H's low sperm and my high FSH but my almost negligent AMH. Didn't understand much except the sense of doom in her eyes at the time. Now realise that little statistic means my chances of pregnancy with my own eggs are very rare, almost negligent.

I know I should still have faith. Somehow it has failed me.

Went to Yoga last night. Took it very easy so it could not have been that. In fact it helped me. It is a very meditative class and I felt for a second while I was in there that it would be ok if I wasn't pregnant. Not in a 'I don't want to be pregnant way'. Obviously I still desperately do. But I felt, very temporarily, that it wouldn't mean the world caving in. The teacher is a funny little fella who likes to ramble on philosophically and he started talking about 'getting to Lakar’ in India. He said the path was not always clear. At certain times of the year it is to full of snow to pass and you had to wait, take pauses. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get there eventually. I felt very calm at that stage. That things could be good even if this doesn’t work.

Who knows, H says all he needs to be happier is to move away from the UK. Maybe if we did this, IVF would be easier, or something will happen more organically. Maybe it is all part of some bigger plan.

But I was still hoping for more time to hope. This spotting is so early - barely a week from transfer. Couldn't I have had a few days more?

Wordless Wednesday

Negative Day

Feeling very negative today. No pains in the tummy and have just stopped believing I might be pregnant. I feel too normal. The odds are too stacked against me. Even if they weren't the stress of H and how badly we are getting on has probably destroyed all chances.

Yet I have still got a whole week to wait and find out for sure. Hell.

Panic Over a Pessary

Woke up this morning realising was too sleepy to put in the pessary last night. They said to do it at bedtime and I had been perhaps being to strict about this, doing it the last thing before crawling into bed. But I was so tired last night I fell asleep on the sofa and had to crawl my way to bed.

Awful feeling having forgotten something like this. Obviously immediately put one in in the morning but have spent most of the day worrying about it.

What a scatterbrained fool.

Laura Munson - "I Don't Buy It."

Just re-read an article I pulled out from the paper a couple of weeks ago. Here is a bit:

One fine day, in the mountains of Montana, Laura Munson's husband said to her, 'I don't love you any more. I'm not sure I ever did. I'm moving out. The kids will understand. They'll want me to be happy.'

What is the normal reaction of this kind of announcement? You can sob and wail and get down on your knees and beg. Alternatively, you can pick up a meat cleaver and, when the car skids off the driveway, cut the crotch out of all his suits. But Munson did none of these things. She wasn't going to let him get away with this. She said, 'I don't buy it.'

He apparently looked surprised. The next thing he said was, 'I don't like what you've become.'

At this point, Munson says, 'a shroud of calm enveloped me.' Again she said, 'I don't buy it.'

Part of me thinks this is weak. How can she put up with being talked to like that, treated with such little kindness or respect. But part of me knows she is strong.

I need to memorise her words.

His words really were sticks and stones, it turned out.

She also asked him, 'What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?'. When he ranted she again said, 'I just asked: what can we do to give you the distance you need.'

She explains: 'Then he can't play victim. He has to take responsibility for his own well being. When you don't engage in the drama, it bounces back to the person who flung it in the first place.'

She uses the analogy of a child having a tantrum and shouting out that they hate you. You don't join in or answer back. You ignore the tantrum and walk away. Not that he was being a child. The spiritual malaise was a very profound personal crisis. But he needed time out. She had destructive thoughts. But kept her composure in front of her husband and children.

And the moral of it all? It's all about letting things go. Suddenly, the minute I let go of ever getting published, and of my marital outcome, that is when everything turns round.

2ww and nervous breakdowns

The lovely 2WW. Lovely limbo-land.

My friend also going through it all, who even ended up having the same transfer day as me, mentioned that someone said aches in the tummy area can mean implantation. As much as I tried not to let it, this inevitably made me think 'Ah! A sign!' every time I had a twinge. Regardless of the fact that I had my insides flushed several times last week - enough to make anyone twinge. Boobs sore as well. And yesterday I suddenly got all weak in town.

Signs, or recovery?

And, as if the 2WW wasn't enough to contend with, H seems to be having some sort of nervous breakdown too. Totally flipped out this weekend, twice. Ranting, raving, making no sense. First time we laughed it off and moved on. Then it happened all over again a day later. It seems he is an unreachable bundle of stress and anxiety and just can't cope any more.

I don't think he can help it. That's the worst. I can't be angry with him. There's no point. Explains why I have found him so unsupportive this IVF time around. He has been barely hanging on. Thing is I don't know how to help him either.

Have also let myself succumb to a coffee. Have been pretty good. I don't think I have ever yearned so much for a vodka shot as I did yesterday but I settled for nice caffeine free Rooibus tea.

Bingo

Bingo. Our one little egg fertilised. What a hero (heroine?).

Call came after a wierdly calm morning. Calm but very restless. House very tidy now. Now time to curl up and watch DVDs I think. Is a nice rainy day which is perfect.

To Be Or Not To Be... Positive

Whatever happens, this morning’s events have made me feel clearer about the ‘to be or not to be positive’ dilemma which has confused me for quite some time.

There is a school of thought which says you should be prepared for the realistic eventuality with IVF, have a clear idea about your likelihood of success. Ie, in our case, probable failure. Our last doctor even put this in her letter. ‘The couple are prepared for success to be unlikely’. She kept going on about it every step of the way. Even just before transfer. My acupuncturist told me about a client who was having IUI whose doctor said, at the actual moment he/she was transferring in the sperm: "We'll do IVF next time if this doesn't work."

Others, especially nurses I have found, believe it is very important to keep positive until you know the game is up. Being prepared and dwelling on negative outcomes certainly doesn’t stop you feeling the anguish of them if they actually happen, I can personally attest to that. It hurts no matter what. I seriously doubt it hurts more if you were completely positive before. Of course, doctors are perhaps understandably protecting themselves against patients accusing them if bad chances were not underlined. But this is about them. Their warnings do not help the patients in any way, prepare them for, or ease their hurt and grief.

It is not just that there are few negatives to being positive, there are actually many positives to being positive. At least along the IVF journey, until the result is definitive. It aids your quality of life. It potentially lowers stress levels. It definitely helps your relationships with your partner, friends and colleagues.

Until now I have sat on the fence on this debate. People should just feel as positive or negative as they feel, was my thought. You can’t force anything. It is good when you are hopeful regardless of doctor warnings but it can be a pressure to feel happy if you don’t. Plus for a long time I needed to vent, wallow in the mire, let myself be a miserable, stroppy mare. It seemed a necessary stage of acceptance after all the years of ‘trying’.

But while I still believe all this something has shifted in my thought pattern. It is subtle but it is there. It is not about not allowing yourself to be miserable. It is about letting yourself be positive once you have vented and feel strong enough to go on.

The anaesthetist who couldn’t find my follicle definitely didn’t help in her attempts to over-prepare me for my lack of follicles, and the chances of the lack of eggs in them. It was unnecessary anguish to deal with just before going ‘under’ on anaesthetic drugs. I could have been told the follicle was gone after, I was anyway, it simply didn’t help and made things worse to know this was a possibility before. She really, really (really) didn’t help when, as I was groggily resurfacing from general anaesthetic, she told me she did find something, but she wasn’t even sure it was an egg. Especially since it was, and she could have said they just needed to do some lab tests until they knew.

In contrast, the second anaesthetist, who did not seem to be in charge for some reason, said simply after the search for the missing follicle: "You only need one egg. There's a good follicle there. There's everything to be positive for."

"Thank-you," I remember saying as I lost focus and spaced out.

What Happened on Egg Collection Day

Well, it's not all over yet but it didn't go great. Understatement.

They did a scan just before I went in for collection and the main anaesthetist woman couldn't find the other follicle. She said they would have another proper look when I was under the anaesthetic. I do not know whether the original scanner saw something which wasn't a follicle or this woman just couldn't find it. I had problems with scanners not finding follicles last time when they ended up turning up.

When I woke up from the anaesthetic she said they searched and searched and couldn't find the follicle. She said she found something in the other follicle which might be an egg but she wasn't sure so sent it up to the lab for them to check.

I started to cry. It was all tears for a while then as they wheeled me back into the hospital room to see H. He was lovely and let me vent.

Then I got a phone call from the job people offering me the job. This did make me feel elated for a while though it was weird discussing start dates and the like from a hospital bed. Then the lab phoned and said the egg which didn't look like an egg was an egg and they would try and fertilise it. We will find out tomorrow if it worked.

The anaesthetist came in the room and looked very relieved and said "I was lucky". I don't feel lucky. Have serious reservations about her, but know the blame game is not helpful to anyone, especially me.

Was elated about the job and re-appearance of the egg for a while. This got me home. Propelled me through a sore journey to the train and on the train and to bed.

Now I am home the negativity seems to be returning. Going to finish this and write up another blog which I wrote on the train. I hope this might help.

Double yolker

So. D Day tomorrow. Eggies come out. In myself, feel ok. I feel OK about the 2 follicle thing now. What will be will be. And you only need one good eggie. I holding out for a double yolker.

But things have been tense with H again. He kept letting me down all weekend and just doesn't seem to be in this experience with me this time at all, which makes me feel so lonely. But then, I am very demanding of him at the moment too. I have no tolerance at all. And if this all works out, I know things would be ok. It is the infertility which has torn us so apart. If it doesn't who knows but will deal with that then.

Had a job interview this morning also and haven't a clue how it went, but I really want the job all of a sudden. Can really imagine myself there, being happy.

Fingers crossed that luck is about to change. Had an email back from that friend who I had a falling out with last year. Seems there's a chance of recovery there. So if we go by the 'everything goes in threes' theory that is the first good thing, and there are two more to follow. Job and, i dare not say the other one but I think it is obvious what it should be.

Only 2 Follicles But They Are Good Ones, Apparently

Well. What a day. Went to the clinic for what I expected to be just a scan and now we are down to do egg collection on Tuesday. It happened so fast.

There are only 2 follicles which made me cry. There were 4 last time and that was considered low. In the old clinic she would not have recommended going ahead with just 2.

But they seem to see it different at the new place. They said they were good follicles - full size. They also said the fact that the follicles had grown to full size so quickly, in just a week, was a good sign. Meant they were good quality. H said he remembered the doctor saying she would be pleased with 2, and that just 2 would be good. The lovely nurse said the fact that both were the same size was a good thing too. Not 100% sure what it all means when people say all these things are good things but it doesn't hurt to have faith and believe them all I suppose.

The nurse was a godsend. At my last visit the nurse was quite cold and clinical and I just felt she was irritated at every question I asked, but thankfully this one was warm and caring and exactly what I needed. I wanted to take her home with me. keep her for all emergencies, in the spare room. A girl who had been in the waiting room with her mum at the same time as me, went in for her scan just after me. I had come out flabbergasted and confused about the egg collection, downhearted about the only 2 follicles thing, waiting to see the nurse. Then that same girl had come out to get her mum, dripping with tears. I recognised that expression so well, and how it had changed from just a few minutes before when we had been sat, with fear and hope, waiting for our scans, our updates - maybe our futures. Things can change so completely in such a short space of time.

Anyhow, it all started me off, and the nurse came out to find me dripping with tears too.

But rollercoaster moments. By the time I came out from seeing her I felt a lot better. The tears then returned when I phoned H and he didn't immediately pick up. I felt so lonely walking through London streets alone without anyone to share my thoughts with. I even started thinking about that girl's mum and how she had been there. It got better as soon as he did call back. But then I was dazed and so, so tired when I went to a pre-arranged meet with 2 old school friends. Nice sitting in the park in the sun but very unreal.

Now I am just so weary and stunned from it all. Worried about all the re-arranging I have to do as it all happened so fast, but trying to just go with it. Be passive. It's supposed to be good to be passive - your body is supposed to be more responsive that way.

I have managed to get myself an acupuncture appointment for the Monday which is good. I could probably do without the job interview on Monday morning but hey ho, maybe the distraction will be a good thing - on both counts. I can't see myself getting as nervous as I usually do about the interview this time. It is with the RSPCA. I like the sound of that. It would be wrong to pass the opportunity up.