Spotting - Beginning of the End?

Spotting has commenced. Brief blob yesterday then more this morning.

Rang clinic and they said lots of women have spotting in early pregnancy so to double up on the pessaries. But I feel it is the beginning of the end. Is too similar to last time. Don't know if it was my imagination but the nurse's voice of sympathy seemed to tell a different story to her words.

It was like that first doctor's eyes just before she told us that it wasn't just the case of H's low sperm and my high FSH but my almost negligent AMH. Didn't understand much except the sense of doom in her eyes at the time. Now realise that little statistic means my chances of pregnancy with my own eggs are very rare, almost negligent.

I know I should still have faith. Somehow it has failed me.

Went to Yoga last night. Took it very easy so it could not have been that. In fact it helped me. It is a very meditative class and I felt for a second while I was in there that it would be ok if I wasn't pregnant. Not in a 'I don't want to be pregnant way'. Obviously I still desperately do. But I felt, very temporarily, that it wouldn't mean the world caving in. The teacher is a funny little fella who likes to ramble on philosophically and he started talking about 'getting to Lakar’ in India. He said the path was not always clear. At certain times of the year it is to full of snow to pass and you had to wait, take pauses. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get there eventually. I felt very calm at that stage. That things could be good even if this doesn’t work.

Who knows, H says all he needs to be happier is to move away from the UK. Maybe if we did this, IVF would be easier, or something will happen more organically. Maybe it is all part of some bigger plan.

But I was still hoping for more time to hope. This spotting is so early - barely a week from transfer. Couldn't I have had a few days more?