Anger at the Clinic

O dear. Don't feel so OK anymore. Somehow the sadness has come and overwhelmed me a little. I feel very vulnerable and delicate and close to tears today.

It started with anger last night, and I could not sleep. I started thinking about the clinic and how impersonal they were, how little attention was paid to us, my response to the drugs, my symptoms, and the generally dismissive, slack and uncaring way we were treated through a very harrowing experience.

Maybe I am getting the situation out of perspective through some stage of the grief process but I feel we were taken advantage of in our delicate state and I am now suspicious that the optimum was not done to ensure success.

When I called to give them my results on Tuesday they said I needed a follow-up appointment. When I said I could not do next week because of starting my new job they suggested a phone 9.30am appointment, which was fine. At 10.10am, 40 minutes late, I called up to see what was happening. I was told the consultant was busy but would call me when she could. When I pointed out we had been waiting 40 minutes and asked if we could have a clearer idea of time the doctor came on the phone angry, saying she had pregnancy scans that day which had to be priority, she was 'fitting in' this call as a favour because I could not come the next week. I felt let down and angry that, the day after a BFN, when I was in a fragile state, she was angry with me for questioning an appointment which was already 40 minutes late. I did not show my anger but moved on but in retrospect it makes my blood boil. We have paid her nearly £5,000. It is one thing to be late and busy but not to apologise and be angry at that stage of the game is, I think, out of order.

It was the last straw in a build up of issues. It was always a battle to get any appointment. Even to get them to answer the phone/reply to email at times. Then we were kept waiting at least 30-40 minutes at every appointment. During the last appointment we had with our 'consultant' (before we even started any treatment - she was absent from all proceedings until the day after the BFN after that) someone actually came into the room while we were talking and rushed her out, saying they needed her for something.

At this appointment, she had said she wanted me to see the thyroid specialist she worked with to prescribe me steroids as I have high thyroid antibodies. She would send him a letter, and send it to me, to explain what she wanted from him. When I got to the appointment 10 days I had not received any letter and neither had he. I eventually got this letter a couple of weeks later, when I was mid-way through the drugs.

I tried to explain to him what she had said to him anyhow. He said he didn't think I had any issues but would do a blood test to make sure. I never received the results to this blood test, despite chasing several times. 1 of the nurses asked me about it when I went to start my other drugs. I said he had said he would write to the consultant. The nurse actually said maybe he had but maybe the letter was lost under a pile of paperwork. She said she would ask the consultant. I heard nothing and the next time I came in for a scan my follicle had suddenly grown ready for collection and it was too late for the steroids anyhow. At this stage in the game I made the decision not to dwell on this negative aspect of things and keep positive so pushed it all out of my mind, but the consultant or thyroid specialist have never explained or got back to me about what happened and I can't help but think it was all very unprofessional and unthorough. What if these steroids had made a difference? Even if they would not have it would have been nice to be informed and reassured.

This is all in addition to the fact that they told me I had a follicle which had 'disappeared' days later, and the strange 'egg which didn't look like an egg but then turned into an egg' on collection day. And the mixed and inconsistent information I got whenever I called up the nurses for advice. Some nurses were incredibly lovely. But some really were not.

This might all be out of proportion in my mind. It might not all be so terrible. And it certainly is not going to help me to dwell on it too much. But I never want to go back to that clinic again.