The Comfort of Familiar Strangers

Odd day. Started so calmly. I thought I could cope with not being pregnant. That I was more accepting this time. I got stuck into the much needed gardening. Or de-weeding.

But as the day wore on emotions gave way. A friend sent me a necklace through the post, out of the blue, to let me know she was thinking of me. It had a little dolly on it, the symbol of our friendship group, and BF. Before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out in the garden.

Then I got angry with H, the fact that he wasn't there. The fact he hasn't been there for me this time. I know he can't help it. That being angry at him will just make things worse. But they were moments of fury, of blame.

Then I bought some plants to replace the weeds and felt better. Just going to see the flower man always makes me smile. He has become my friend. Then I went to my acupuncture appointment, having decided to lie to her, not tell her about my period starting. But I couldn't keep it up. She is so nice. And I trust her. I ended up crying in her room. She did some 'heart points' on me and I realised how good she is. Amazing how immediately comforted and warmed it made me feel.

Now I am in the cafe up the road which does Wi-Fi. Internet connection failed at home. Like the acupuncturist and the flower man, the funny little waiters here are also reassuringly familiar. I am not ready for facing friends yet but it is amazing what comfort can be got from these familiar strangers. Since talking to these three I feel sad but calm. Ok. In control.

I just need not to think that today probably means I will never have children. That dark thought which lurks unconfronted. I cannot quite confront it yet.