Reading another blog has spun me into a spiral of restrospection and hindsight about the emotional journey I/we have been through over the past couple of years - in particular since diagnosis a year and a bit ago.
Like the blogger, it has been one of the toughest periods of my life. I never knew I could cry so much or be that fragile. I find it hard to explain to people why the devastation has been so utterly overwhelming. Something to do with the 5 years of monthly disappointments and fooling myself that nothing was wrong. Something to do with being a lonely, only child of a single parent family longing for a family of my own for a long, long time.
But now, like the blogger, I wouldn't change anything - I wouldn't want the past year or so to be any other way.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who sadly seems to be at the beginning of the very hardest bit of the infertility journey - when all you do is cry and be totally overwhelmed by feelings you don't understand. I realised talking to her that I wasn't quite in that place anymore. While I am not that much further on medically - or at least it doesn't feel like it - I have come a long way emotionally and wouldn't have if I hadn't let myself give in to those tears and hide myself away in the devastation. It had to be done and I am better off for it. I truely believe times like these make you a stronger and wiser person and makes you and your partner closer if you let it.
Obviously my yearning for a baby is still so overwhelmingly strong. I constantly find myself in moments, like at the carol concert last week when all the little ones came out to sing their song, when I am overcome with tears of longing and grief. But I now just let myself feel those moments and I can cope with them. It does not stop me wanting to spend time around children anymore.
And I do not believe this longing for a child necessarily means I would change the struggle I have had/am having to get one. It may take some of us a bit longer to get to the top of the mountain. But just because our path is longer it does not mean we have wasted time, just that we have seen other things along the way which could turn out to be invaluable.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Monday, 7 December 2009
Miracle Cures
Am feeling guilty today because I snapped at my mum. We went to see her for an early Christmas weekend as we are going to H's family in Australia. Really wanted to make it special for her as she was very generous encouraging us to go and I have a feeling she's going to have a miserable time with this older lady friend of hers who is very ill and quite possibly on her last Christmas. She does have more cheerful friends she could be with, but she is thinking of this older lady.
Anyhow, everything was going good. H even came to her school carol concert in the cathedral which would normally be his idea of torture and she was very happy about this. We pulled crackers, played card tricks and told jokes. Then she started going on about this homeopathic medecine she wants me to take for the IVF and I couldn't bear it. I snapped several times that I did not want to talk about it and then just kept on snapping 'I will bear it in my mind' in a very unconvincing way.
It wasn't just a case of taking this stuff to keep her happy. I would have to get a hair anaylsed and go for a special appointment and get stuff imported from Spain. I don't want all of that - I spent too much time last time worrying about what I was eating, drinking, doing etc and no longer think it makes much difference. I really want to keep it simple this time. Obviously eat healthily and not drink, but other than that just try to stay happy. Maybe do acupuncture - but even that I am not sure.
I am so sick of suggestions of 'miracle cures' and stories about people who have taken such 'miracle cures' and had success. Or the other favourite of my mum's, people who have struggled for years and then 'just relaxed' and a miracle baby just popped along. Not only does this not take into account how often this DOESN'T happen, but it makes you feel that if it doesn't work it is your fault for not 'relaxing enough' or not taking that '1 miracle cure' which might save you.
Trying all these random things just increases the anxiety and stress of the situation and makes me feel more frantic and to blame. This time around, I have to not do this.
But this is very hard for my mum to get. She doesn't believe in medical doctors anyhow - for her its all about hippy dippy things and chakras. It is not that I completely dismiss all alternative medecine - but it is just not what I need right now. But there's almost no point trying to explain. She 'means well' and I have to find a way to deal with her way without hurting her feelings and making me feel guilty in response. If only I could go back and just not tell her about it all!!
Anyhow, everything was going good. H even came to her school carol concert in the cathedral which would normally be his idea of torture and she was very happy about this. We pulled crackers, played card tricks and told jokes. Then she started going on about this homeopathic medecine she wants me to take for the IVF and I couldn't bear it. I snapped several times that I did not want to talk about it and then just kept on snapping 'I will bear it in my mind' in a very unconvincing way.
It wasn't just a case of taking this stuff to keep her happy. I would have to get a hair anaylsed and go for a special appointment and get stuff imported from Spain. I don't want all of that - I spent too much time last time worrying about what I was eating, drinking, doing etc and no longer think it makes much difference. I really want to keep it simple this time. Obviously eat healthily and not drink, but other than that just try to stay happy. Maybe do acupuncture - but even that I am not sure.
I am so sick of suggestions of 'miracle cures' and stories about people who have taken such 'miracle cures' and had success. Or the other favourite of my mum's, people who have struggled for years and then 'just relaxed' and a miracle baby just popped along. Not only does this not take into account how often this DOESN'T happen, but it makes you feel that if it doesn't work it is your fault for not 'relaxing enough' or not taking that '1 miracle cure' which might save you.
Trying all these random things just increases the anxiety and stress of the situation and makes me feel more frantic and to blame. This time around, I have to not do this.
But this is very hard for my mum to get. She doesn't believe in medical doctors anyhow - for her its all about hippy dippy things and chakras. It is not that I completely dismiss all alternative medecine - but it is just not what I need right now. But there's almost no point trying to explain. She 'means well' and I have to find a way to deal with her way without hurting her feelings and making me feel guilty in response. If only I could go back and just not tell her about it all!!
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Robert Winston
Have finally got down to reading Robert Winston's 'A Child Against All Odds' and despite - or perhaps because of - its scientific nature am finding it strangely comforting. It is obviously good to know some facts for starters. But it is not that just that. It is very medical and technical in its description of IVF and its history, and almost mathematical in its analysis of the resulting attitudes from society, but there is a real compassion which shines through all the brighter for the factual stance. Almost as though it is not just emotionally understandable to feel the things we infertiles feel but scientifically so. It is how my dad can make me feel.
Here is a bit I particularly like:
"It is argued with so many babies born pre-term, valuable neonatal facilities are being swallowed up by increasing numbers of people who have sought this treatment for a condition that is not life-threatening and does not cause them physical pain.
"The last arguement, I have to say, tends to be advanced only by people who have either never had children, or never experienced any difficulties having children or met anyone else who has.
No physician who has witnessed the anguish of infertile couples can doubt that the condition causes extreme suffering - even if the suffering is not conveniently located in the pancreas or the foot! If you would like a short introduction, I suggest you visit some of the popular websites for people with infertility problems. Most of these are completely devoid of baby photographs... This is for the simple reason that infertile people can go through mental agony when surrounded by reminders of other people successfully getting pregnant and having babies.
"To argue that any mental pain is necessarily of a lesser oorder than physical painis an obvious fallacy, since we have long recognized depression as an illness.. We also recognise that mental stress is a relevant factor in a range of physical conditions, from psoriasis to heart attacks and our immune response to infections. Medecine clearly accepts that 'mental pain is real and that it should be treated."
Here is a bit I particularly like:
"It is argued with so many babies born pre-term, valuable neonatal facilities are being swallowed up by increasing numbers of people who have sought this treatment for a condition that is not life-threatening and does not cause them physical pain.
"The last arguement, I have to say, tends to be advanced only by people who have either never had children, or never experienced any difficulties having children or met anyone else who has.
No physician who has witnessed the anguish of infertile couples can doubt that the condition causes extreme suffering - even if the suffering is not conveniently located in the pancreas or the foot! If you would like a short introduction, I suggest you visit some of the popular websites for people with infertility problems. Most of these are completely devoid of baby photographs... This is for the simple reason that infertile people can go through mental agony when surrounded by reminders of other people successfully getting pregnant and having babies.
"To argue that any mental pain is necessarily of a lesser oorder than physical painis an obvious fallacy, since we have long recognized depression as an illness.. We also recognise that mental stress is a relevant factor in a range of physical conditions, from psoriasis to heart attacks and our immune response to infections. Medecine clearly accepts that 'mental pain is real and that it should be treated."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.JPG)