Sad

Am not angry anymore, just sad. Found myself crying this morning, out of the blue. Just reading the paper and tears streaming down my face. No particular thoughts, just emptiness, and sadness.

I got ridiculously anxious yesterday before going to a friend's bbq for the World Cup England vs USA game. Should have been a nice thing. See a nice group of friends, be cooked for, have much needed fun. But I got all worked up about whether to go or not, and none of my concerns made any sense, not even to me.

I realise now I didn't want to face people after the failed IVF. Tell them, see their sympathetic looks, confront it in any way. One nice friend just said she was sorry and I found that I couldn't even respond to her or acknowledge her comment in anyway. I filled up with tears and started asking her about something else, something about her life. Talking really fast as if that would make it all go away.

Anger at the Clinic

O dear. Don't feel so OK anymore. Somehow the sadness has come and overwhelmed me a little. I feel very vulnerable and delicate and close to tears today.

It started with anger last night, and I could not sleep. I started thinking about the clinic and how impersonal they were, how little attention was paid to us, my response to the drugs, my symptoms, and the generally dismissive, slack and uncaring way we were treated through a very harrowing experience.

Maybe I am getting the situation out of perspective through some stage of the grief process but I feel we were taken advantage of in our delicate state and I am now suspicious that the optimum was not done to ensure success.

When I called to give them my results on Tuesday they said I needed a follow-up appointment. When I said I could not do next week because of starting my new job they suggested a phone 9.30am appointment, which was fine. At 10.10am, 40 minutes late, I called up to see what was happening. I was told the consultant was busy but would call me when she could. When I pointed out we had been waiting 40 minutes and asked if we could have a clearer idea of time the doctor came on the phone angry, saying she had pregnancy scans that day which had to be priority, she was 'fitting in' this call as a favour because I could not come the next week. I felt let down and angry that, the day after a BFN, when I was in a fragile state, she was angry with me for questioning an appointment which was already 40 minutes late. I did not show my anger but moved on but in retrospect it makes my blood boil. We have paid her nearly £5,000. It is one thing to be late and busy but not to apologise and be angry at that stage of the game is, I think, out of order.

It was the last straw in a build up of issues. It was always a battle to get any appointment. Even to get them to answer the phone/reply to email at times. Then we were kept waiting at least 30-40 minutes at every appointment. During the last appointment we had with our 'consultant' (before we even started any treatment - she was absent from all proceedings until the day after the BFN after that) someone actually came into the room while we were talking and rushed her out, saying they needed her for something.

At this appointment, she had said she wanted me to see the thyroid specialist she worked with to prescribe me steroids as I have high thyroid antibodies. She would send him a letter, and send it to me, to explain what she wanted from him. When I got to the appointment 10 days I had not received any letter and neither had he. I eventually got this letter a couple of weeks later, when I was mid-way through the drugs.

I tried to explain to him what she had said to him anyhow. He said he didn't think I had any issues but would do a blood test to make sure. I never received the results to this blood test, despite chasing several times. 1 of the nurses asked me about it when I went to start my other drugs. I said he had said he would write to the consultant. The nurse actually said maybe he had but maybe the letter was lost under a pile of paperwork. She said she would ask the consultant. I heard nothing and the next time I came in for a scan my follicle had suddenly grown ready for collection and it was too late for the steroids anyhow. At this stage in the game I made the decision not to dwell on this negative aspect of things and keep positive so pushed it all out of my mind, but the consultant or thyroid specialist have never explained or got back to me about what happened and I can't help but think it was all very unprofessional and unthorough. What if these steroids had made a difference? Even if they would not have it would have been nice to be informed and reassured.

This is all in addition to the fact that they told me I had a follicle which had 'disappeared' days later, and the strange 'egg which didn't look like an egg but then turned into an egg' on collection day. And the mixed and inconsistent information I got whenever I called up the nurses for advice. Some nurses were incredibly lovely. But some really were not.

This might all be out of proportion in my mind. It might not all be so terrible. And it certainly is not going to help me to dwell on it too much. But I never want to go back to that clinic again.

What Happens Next

Feeling surprisingly ok. Have had moments of anguish, bursting into tears on the train, but even that feels ok. Have just let myself cry then felt better again. Am just taking life slowly.

Things with H are a lot better which clearly helps. He still has these moments of extreme irritability which send fear to my heart but since that horrid Sunday, he has managed to control them, or quickly re-correct them, and I have managed not to over-react to them and just walk away and let him be grumpy.

We had a good talk on Tuesday after the BFN. Went for a meal at his suggestion. Lovely to have a couple of glasses of lovely wine. Had been a while. Our waitress was very pregnant which upset him, but I was strangely ok about it.

I told him that while I felt we needed to take 'the summer off', have some fun, try and sort our relationship out, I was not prepared to wait another year for whatever happens next to happen. He has made me do that twice before. Not intentionally perhaps, but it ended up being a year each time until he was ready and my eggs do not have such time. I also don't think this dragging things out has helped either of us. So I would want to tackle the 'next' by September.

He asked what I saw the 'next' as being. I said I felt my eggs had given up the ghost so maybe egg donation from Spain. It easier to get a Spanish egg as they have different laws there. Also I am half Spanish so somehow like the idea of a Spanish egg if its not my own.

He started talking about adoption. He seemed really into it despite the fact it would tie him to the UK for longer. His older sister is adopted and his brother-in-law and he has really good associations.

I started to think that maybe this was a good idea, especially since he was so positive. He wanted to get the ball rolling straight away and at the moment I feel I should just go with this possibility and not dwell too long. It would mean no drugs, no vast quantities of cash being doled out, no cruel, chance dependent process to mess with your mind. In effect, egg donation would be adopting an egg anyway. I would love the child as much I am sure. All I really crave is a child to look after, a family. I would miss the pregnancy but who knows, if I let this happen there may be time for IVF again in the future.

Meanwhile the doctor did say we should try again, but my faith in her has been lost. Considering my lack of egg this time, and the confusions of my treatment, and the lack of the personal touch all the way through the process at this clinic, I do not know whether she is saying this to get more money from us or because she really genuinely does think it is the best thing to do.

I think we would have to change clinics all over again if we went IVF again. Plus I really don't think H could afford/ cope with it all, and he is so positive about adoption.

I hope we can find some calm time to talk about it more this weekend.

Gandhi

Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive, because your words become your behaviours.

Keep your behaviours positive, because your behaviours become your habits.

Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.

- Mahatma Gandhi

BFN

BFN. Was expecting it but still feel numb.

Shouted and hung up on a Virgin Media call centre man who refused to help after his engineer cut off our TV. He just didn't care, didn't even pretend to help, despite it obviously being their error. Engineer came yesterday to fix the internet and cut us off the TV as well. Just when I need TV trash the most.

Passed the hassle onto H who seemed chomping at the bit to attack them. Now not sure was a good idea. Also want to call them and shout at them some more.

H seemed surprised at the BFN. Didn't know what to say. Had seemed to blatantly obvious to me.

My friend was BFN as well. It feels like it is all a scam. IVF swallowing your money and no success.

Weekend Release

Weekend away for the wedding of my mum's best friend was the tonic I dearly needed.

H too. Drinking wine and joking around with a group of really nice people seemed to do him the world of good, he is back to his old self. At least for now.

Actually, he was good from Friday night when he came back. Doesn't seem to accept that just because I am bleeding means that I am not pregnant. I suppose the nurse in the clinic was quite emphatic that bleeding can happen. Its just I am pretty sure she didn't mean bleeding this much. It was nice to feel he had some hope though, somehow made me feel better. I will take the test tomorrow just in case, while not expecting much.

I have been feeling very tired, though. At points during the wedding and when I got back last night. Have been collapsed for most of today also. In and out of sleep on the sofa. I suppose it is a natural side effect of losing all this blood.

Was in a big dilemma about whether to drink at the wedding. In my head I can't see how I am pregnant. I have let myself have a bath and drink some caffeine. But alcohol seemed a step too far. In the end I volunteered myself as driver which took the dilemma away. Then found I didn't actually want to drink anyway. In retrospect I don't think I would not have been up to it as felt like I had a hangover without having a drop anyhow! I will allow myself a symbolic cocktail if the test is negative though.

The Comfort of Familiar Strangers

Odd day. Started so calmly. I thought I could cope with not being pregnant. That I was more accepting this time. I got stuck into the much needed gardening. Or de-weeding.

But as the day wore on emotions gave way. A friend sent me a necklace through the post, out of the blue, to let me know she was thinking of me. It had a little dolly on it, the symbol of our friendship group, and BF. Before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out in the garden.

Then I got angry with H, the fact that he wasn't there. The fact he hasn't been there for me this time. I know he can't help it. That being angry at him will just make things worse. But they were moments of fury, of blame.

Then I bought some plants to replace the weeds and felt better. Just going to see the flower man always makes me smile. He has become my friend. Then I went to my acupuncture appointment, having decided to lie to her, not tell her about my period starting. But I couldn't keep it up. She is so nice. And I trust her. I ended up crying in her room. She did some 'heart points' on me and I realised how good she is. Amazing how immediately comforted and warmed it made me feel.

Now I am in the cafe up the road which does Wi-Fi. Internet connection failed at home. Like the acupuncturist and the flower man, the funny little waiters here are also reassuringly familiar. I am not ready for facing friends yet but it is amazing what comfort can be got from these familiar strangers. Since talking to these three I feel sad but calm. Ok. In control.

I just need not to think that today probably means I will never have children. That dark thought which lurks unconfronted. I cannot quite confront it yet.

Full blown

Full blown period now. I know it can happen - but it feels like clutching at straws to believe I might possibly be pregnant now.

Somehow the fact that this period came so early, earlier even than last time, makes me feel more of a failure. I don't even get to do the test to see.

On top of this it is so bleak with H. He is working late and is very distant since Sunday's outburst. I emailed his sister with my concerns and she has replied very sensibly, but compounded my feelings that he just cannot live in this country. And I cannot live in Australia. Especially since it would just be for him.

Spotting - Beginning of the End?

Spotting has commenced. Brief blob yesterday then more this morning.

Rang clinic and they said lots of women have spotting in early pregnancy so to double up on the pessaries. But I feel it is the beginning of the end. Is too similar to last time. Don't know if it was my imagination but the nurse's voice of sympathy seemed to tell a different story to her words.

It was like that first doctor's eyes just before she told us that it wasn't just the case of H's low sperm and my high FSH but my almost negligent AMH. Didn't understand much except the sense of doom in her eyes at the time. Now realise that little statistic means my chances of pregnancy with my own eggs are very rare, almost negligent.

I know I should still have faith. Somehow it has failed me.

Went to Yoga last night. Took it very easy so it could not have been that. In fact it helped me. It is a very meditative class and I felt for a second while I was in there that it would be ok if I wasn't pregnant. Not in a 'I don't want to be pregnant way'. Obviously I still desperately do. But I felt, very temporarily, that it wouldn't mean the world caving in. The teacher is a funny little fella who likes to ramble on philosophically and he started talking about 'getting to Lakar’ in India. He said the path was not always clear. At certain times of the year it is to full of snow to pass and you had to wait, take pauses. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get there eventually. I felt very calm at that stage. That things could be good even if this doesn’t work.

Who knows, H says all he needs to be happier is to move away from the UK. Maybe if we did this, IVF would be easier, or something will happen more organically. Maybe it is all part of some bigger plan.

But I was still hoping for more time to hope. This spotting is so early - barely a week from transfer. Couldn't I have had a few days more?

Wordless Wednesday

Negative Day

Feeling very negative today. No pains in the tummy and have just stopped believing I might be pregnant. I feel too normal. The odds are too stacked against me. Even if they weren't the stress of H and how badly we are getting on has probably destroyed all chances.

Yet I have still got a whole week to wait and find out for sure. Hell.