What Happens Next

Feeling surprisingly ok. Have had moments of anguish, bursting into tears on the train, but even that feels ok. Have just let myself cry then felt better again. Am just taking life slowly.

Things with H are a lot better which clearly helps. He still has these moments of extreme irritability which send fear to my heart but since that horrid Sunday, he has managed to control them, or quickly re-correct them, and I have managed not to over-react to them and just walk away and let him be grumpy.

We had a good talk on Tuesday after the BFN. Went for a meal at his suggestion. Lovely to have a couple of glasses of lovely wine. Had been a while. Our waitress was very pregnant which upset him, but I was strangely ok about it.

I told him that while I felt we needed to take 'the summer off', have some fun, try and sort our relationship out, I was not prepared to wait another year for whatever happens next to happen. He has made me do that twice before. Not intentionally perhaps, but it ended up being a year each time until he was ready and my eggs do not have such time. I also don't think this dragging things out has helped either of us. So I would want to tackle the 'next' by September.

He asked what I saw the 'next' as being. I said I felt my eggs had given up the ghost so maybe egg donation from Spain. It easier to get a Spanish egg as they have different laws there. Also I am half Spanish so somehow like the idea of a Spanish egg if its not my own.

He started talking about adoption. He seemed really into it despite the fact it would tie him to the UK for longer. His older sister is adopted and his brother-in-law and he has really good associations.

I started to think that maybe this was a good idea, especially since he was so positive. He wanted to get the ball rolling straight away and at the moment I feel I should just go with this possibility and not dwell too long. It would mean no drugs, no vast quantities of cash being doled out, no cruel, chance dependent process to mess with your mind. In effect, egg donation would be adopting an egg anyway. I would love the child as much I am sure. All I really crave is a child to look after, a family. I would miss the pregnancy but who knows, if I let this happen there may be time for IVF again in the future.

Meanwhile the doctor did say we should try again, but my faith in her has been lost. Considering my lack of egg this time, and the confusions of my treatment, and the lack of the personal touch all the way through the process at this clinic, I do not know whether she is saying this to get more money from us or because she really genuinely does think it is the best thing to do.

I think we would have to change clinics all over again if we went IVF again. Plus I really don't think H could afford/ cope with it all, and he is so positive about adoption.

I hope we can find some calm time to talk about it more this weekend.