Menopur Madness

O dear. am suffering from a bit of a dip today I fear. And had been going so well.

Started on the Menopur last night and perhaps predictably found it very stressful. It isn't the actual sticking the needle in now, that felt curiously easy, it is all the fiddly stuff - the mixing up of the powers and liquids. As I am such a lost cause I am on the highest dose possible, which means I have to inject six vials worth of liquid. This involves putting the mixing needle full of liquid into one vial so that it mixes with the powder in there then drawing up every last drop and repeating for the other five vials. I didn't even seem to be able to manage doing one vial properly but left quite an amount of liquid in the bottom of the vial. I kept on putting the needle in the vial and trying to draw up again but each time I failed, with every vial I tried. I got myself pretty worked up, practically crying with frustration and despair, and even screamed at the poor cat who was mioawing at the door since I had shut her out. I felt terrible. She is not used to being shouted at.

In the end, after about an hour of doing this vial-and-needle dance, I just injected what I could but am sure I missed quite a lot. This depressed me. As it took so long I missed talking to H who was going to phone to see how it went and also meant I was late going round to a friend's for dinner.

I have felt quite down and flat ever since. Didn't do too much at all today except housework despite having had plans and even ended up watching three episodes of the West Wing this afternoon. Been a while since I succumbed to daytime TV. Doesn't seem to be that good a sign.

I don't know whether this mood is a result of the drugs or the trauma or just a general mood. Also got a letter in the post today from the clinic, obviously delayed, should have come after the last consultation a month and a half ago. It outlined our scenario but seemed full of very negative language, as if it is very unlikely we will even get to the egg collection stage.

Also have an ongoing issue with a friend I fell out with last year, or more accurately who fell out with me. She got pregnant in the heights of my despair about my infertility. It was a time when I was commuting and working horrific shifts as well as dealing with extreme heartache and actually not seeing many people at all. Maybe I saw even less of her than most people because of the pregnancy, I don't know, or maybe because she is an extremely tactless person. Anyhow, it felt out-of-the-blue and unjustified when she took extreme offence, accused me of "not being happy for her" and abused me to all mutual friends, even calling up H. I sent her an email trying to explain I had no personal grudge against her, that I just needed my own space as was going through a very difficult time and received "I am pregnant and don't need your emotional shit" as a reply. I have been very angry and resentful about this and neither of us have contacted us for 6 months or so, despite the birth of her son and other stuff. Recently I have been filled with the need to leave adolescent nonsense behind and move forward and tried to make contact again. I sent a short email asking if she would like to meet for coffee, I was not proposing revisiting old sources of conflict but it would be nice to be a presence in each other's lives. It has been nearly a week now but there has been no reply. Not quite sure what I expected, but it has re-opened all the old wounds of hurt all over again. I should never have gone there...