Menopur Madness

O dear. am suffering from a bit of a dip today I fear. And had been going so well.

Started on the Menopur last night and perhaps predictably found it very stressful. It isn't the actual sticking the needle in now, that felt curiously easy, it is all the fiddly stuff - the mixing up of the powers and liquids. As I am such a lost cause I am on the highest dose possible, which means I have to inject six vials worth of liquid. This involves putting the mixing needle full of liquid into one vial so that it mixes with the powder in there then drawing up every last drop and repeating for the other five vials. I didn't even seem to be able to manage doing one vial properly but left quite an amount of liquid in the bottom of the vial. I kept on putting the needle in the vial and trying to draw up again but each time I failed, with every vial I tried. I got myself pretty worked up, practically crying with frustration and despair, and even screamed at the poor cat who was mioawing at the door since I had shut her out. I felt terrible. She is not used to being shouted at.

In the end, after about an hour of doing this vial-and-needle dance, I just injected what I could but am sure I missed quite a lot. This depressed me. As it took so long I missed talking to H who was going to phone to see how it went and also meant I was late going round to a friend's for dinner.

I have felt quite down and flat ever since. Didn't do too much at all today except housework despite having had plans and even ended up watching three episodes of the West Wing this afternoon. Been a while since I succumbed to daytime TV. Doesn't seem to be that good a sign.

I don't know whether this mood is a result of the drugs or the trauma or just a general mood. Also got a letter in the post today from the clinic, obviously delayed, should have come after the last consultation a month and a half ago. It outlined our scenario but seemed full of very negative language, as if it is very unlikely we will even get to the egg collection stage.

Also have an ongoing issue with a friend I fell out with last year, or more accurately who fell out with me. She got pregnant in the heights of my despair about my infertility. It was a time when I was commuting and working horrific shifts as well as dealing with extreme heartache and actually not seeing many people at all. Maybe I saw even less of her than most people because of the pregnancy, I don't know, or maybe because she is an extremely tactless person. Anyhow, it felt out-of-the-blue and unjustified when she took extreme offence, accused me of "not being happy for her" and abused me to all mutual friends, even calling up H. I sent her an email trying to explain I had no personal grudge against her, that I just needed my own space as was going through a very difficult time and received "I am pregnant and don't need your emotional shit" as a reply. I have been very angry and resentful about this and neither of us have contacted us for 6 months or so, despite the birth of her son and other stuff. Recently I have been filled with the need to leave adolescent nonsense behind and move forward and tried to make contact again. I sent a short email asking if she would like to meet for coffee, I was not proposing revisiting old sources of conflict but it would be nice to be a presence in each other's lives. It has been nearly a week now but there has been no reply. Not quite sure what I expected, but it has re-opened all the old wounds of hurt all over again. I should never have gone there...

Always Answer The Phone With a Big Smile

Amazing night last night. Went to see 2 breathtaking shows at the festival. The first a play about a strange but very tender and true love between a celebrated 19th Century poet and his maid. Unconventional and disapproved of by society but very real all the same. The second an 'urban' circus - a group of streetkids from Colombia fusing bonkers acrobatics, intoxicating dance and mind-blowing stunts with a zestful, sexy swagger. Both were life-affirming. I came home feeling great.

It is so great to feel great and un-burdened by this treatment thing. I can't help but compare things a bit with last time. A year ago (almost) on our first round of IVF. Part of me thinks it is all completely different now, this time. I am going out rather than hiding away, I don't feel so broken. I am temping locally and by-and-large enjoying it rather than exhaustingly hiking to work in London for ludicrous shift patterns plus all the politics and stress of fitting in my treatments around work. Yes, at times it feels like it is all much better now.

But then again, there is this doubt saying: 'Really? Is it Really so different?' There was a period of great darkness followed by a period of hope last year too. I remember feeling good during the drug taking and lead up to collection and transfer too. We were being proactive. I was happy. Maybe it all is a recurring pattern.

I had a good day today too. Lovely acupuncture session this morning then on my way home I got a call from the temping agency saying they needed someone for a few hours this afternoon. It was in a plastic surgery clinic. Intriguing. There were lots of Buxom blondes come to check up on their breast enlargement. A few more unexpected types too - overweight ladies with walking sticks coming for skin treatment. Perhaps they needed something to make them feel happier, better with themselves.

I did not have to do much, except dress up. Or so the agency woman said. She made a big deal about telling me I had to do my hair and put on nail varnish and wear a black suit. I even felt panicked about it. I don't have a black suit. I have been told black clashes with my skin tone. I wore what I think is smart, office-y grey skirt, white Gap shirt and high heels. Had quite a job tottering down there in heels. Then got there and felt very overdressed. That patronising whatsit agency woman talking rubbish at me. What did she think? I was going to turn up in jeans?

Anyway it didn't matter. All I had to do apparently is 'Be lovely to everyone'. There was a lot of emphasis on 'being lovely' there. Even a sign which said 'Answer the phone with a big smile'. I enjoyed bathing in all the loveliness for an afternoon. Feeling all sunny and 'We are here to help' -ish. Maybe if I am in need someday I will go and get a nose job - just to bask in the loveliness some more.

To Drink or Not To Drink

Well another day and the injections feel like they are getting easier. Must have done something different or better as the needle went in really easily.

Am feeling tired but a lot better than last week when I was on the pill, when I felt very emotional all the time. I still find myself having anxieties but they are worries about things going wrong rather than feeling things are wrong. At the moment I have been filling my life with fun festival things to do. Saw one play yesterday, a very low key fringe rendition of the Greek myth of Dido. Going to see two more tonight and then another tomorrow. Wowzers. Haven't been so cultural in an age.

I suppose going to see things means the not drinking thing is not such an issue. I want to keep social and busy this time around but seeing certain friends makes it very hard not to drink. Was invited to a dinner party in 2 weekends today which normally would be lovely but found myself getting all anxious about it. The friends just do not understand the not drinking thing. See it as an old wives tale or something. I could just about cope with it but there would be problems with H I feel. Maybe we should just not go though that seems a shame to cut ourselves off.

Agghhh. there goes my anxious brain again - causing issues where there need be none.

When will your thumb ovulate?

Well the day came to start the treatments again. Despite being almost a year it feels quite fast all of a sudden. I had been taking the pill for the past 2 weeks and went in for a scan on Thursday. They gave me all the needles and told me to start with the Seprecur the next day. This shuts you down a bit in preparation for the Menopur which I have to start after a week. The Menopur will help the ovaries grow. Hopefully. I don't have to go back until after I have been injecting the Menopur, with a reduced dose of the Seprecur, for a week.

H is away for work for 2 weeks which makes me sad as I had hoped this was something we would do together. But hey ho. Last time I had to do it alone too. I was working funny shifts so was at work and had to slip away to find spare rooms to lay out my needles and potions. It left me feeling slightly sordid. And paranoid I would get caught and have to explain to some random person.

So at least I am home this time even if it is home alone. And H has been calling. He has been very attentive and kind actually.

I thought the actual injecting would be easier, being experienced and everything. But no. I got the needle out on the first day and my butter fingers somehow managed to stab my thumb with it. It swelled up and went purple. H asked when it will ovulate.

I also got confused because the needle point didn't reach the liquid in the phial. It was not until I phoned the nurse that I was realised the obvious. I was supposed to turn it upside down.

I am just not a natural at all this stuff. The next day I panicked because a scab formed. the third day I agonised because I thought maybe the scab meant I wasn't supposed to push the needle point all the way in as I had been. I searched the internet for wisdom, even watching a 'how to inject' video on YouTube. In the end I phoned the nurse again - already irritated with me. She said fine to push it all the way in. The scab would have been because I would have hit a blood vessel. Ouch. that does not sound good

Weekend holes

Wow. Feeling strong and good at the moment. Am on the pill as the first stage of treatment and it is making me feel a bit wobbly and emotional at times but am aware about this so it is ok.

Things are, I think, a lot better with H. We had a huge fight at the weekend because he wants to go to Houston for two weeks for work. I did not have a problem with this but he thought I did and to cut a long story short we both exploded in misconceptions about each other and it was all horrible for a while.

But we did manage to scream a few things out into the open as a result. I have been very hurt by lots of the rage he has screamed at me over the past few months and now I have told him. He also has been able to reassure me I am not alone in this IVF journey and he will be there if I need him to be. We are going to buy the drugs together tonight. For some reason I have been delaying and putting off buying them so far by myself. This has made me feel strong and good and supported again.

I can't imagine anything more testing to a relationship than infertility. It hits us at the core of everything. His infertility made him feel less like a man. He called himself a Jaffa - seedless fruit. I suppose mine has also made me feel me less like a real woman, or without the role and sense of purpose of a real woman which I long for. Nothing else seemed to matter to me for much of the past 2 years or so except the pursuit of fertility treatments. I suppose that made him feel that he didn't matter.

Most importantly, the lack of child leaves this gaping hole in our daily lives and makes us feel less of a family. Weekends can be very hard. It is as if we don't really know what to do with our time. It is no accident that we always argue at weekend time then things are lovely during the week.

Switch to positive?

An old friend is also going through IVF at the moment and has been having a hard time coming to terms with it. She said she had been feeling overwhelmingly negative and hopeless about it all.

She dislikes the idea of the drugs - she doesn't normally even do Neurofen. Plus she has been feeling it won't work, and if it does she will miscarry, and if even this doesn't happen the baby will be born with Downs.

She told all this to the nurse who suggested she had nothing to lose by switching these thoughts around to positive ones.

My friend said wasn't that just setting herself up for a fall?

The nurse said if there was a fall it would hurt no matter what and she would have to deal with it if it happened. She had nothing to lose by being positive in the meantime.

Thyroid and AMH despair

I just had an appointment with a thyroid specialist, referred to by our fertility specialist. He doesn't think I have a thyroid problem. This is a good thing, but has made me sad.

I was so bouyant going up to London to see him. So hopeful. I even wore my sunny yellow cardigan and bought a colourful new bag. I was on the road to IVF again. It was exciting.

Those horrible months when it looked like H was going to pull away from it all were over. He had come around, at least for this cycle. It seemed he had just been afraid. It was all on again.

But now it is me who is afraid. Going through those papers again, explaining to the new guy our story, I remembered how bleak it is.

My AMH should be higher than 5, yet it is consistently 0.7. This is extraordinarily low and means I have hardly any eggs, or good eggs, am not sure which. I also have high FSH which means the same thing.

It is not something anyone has an explanation for. Or knows how to treat.

How I long for twisted fallopian tubes. Or cysts. Or anything clear cut and graspable. I especially long for us to be back to when they thought all that was wrong with us was H's low sperm count.

But what I have seems unfixable, a mystery. The NHS won't touch us. Not even the local private clinic held out much hope. We are going to the last chance saloon in London, the specialists in hopeless causes.

I went to this doctor because one of the tests I did with one of the people I have seen showed I have some high thyroid anti-bodies. This can sometimes have repercussions for fertility and mean the embryo doesn't 'stick' to the lining of the womb. This is easy to treat.

I suppose I had hoped he was going to say: "That's what it is," and there would have been an easy treatment. I even read something which said IVF chances increased to 50% with this treatment.

But my high antibodies are the ones which don't matter. The specialist said there is nothing wrong with me in that way at all.

Even if there had been, he said, it would have been a whole new issue, not connected to the AMH/FSH. It would not explain it, or suddenly make it treatable, but be an added thing which is wrong. We can obviously do without that, so it is good that my anti-bodies are the wrong ones.

Yet suddenly I feel like H, that this is all futile. Just when I persuaded him otherwise. I can't tell him. And nobody else will understand.