Things are, I think, a lot better with H. We had a huge fight at the weekend because he wants to go to Houston for two weeks for work. I did not have a problem with this but he thought I did and to cut a long story short we both exploded in misconceptions about each other and it was all horrible for a while.
But we did manage to scream a few things out into the open as a result. I have been very hurt by lots of the rage he has screamed at me over the past few months and now I have told him. He also has been able to reassure me I am not alone in this IVF journey and he will be there if I need him to be. We are going to buy the drugs together tonight. For some reason I have been delaying and putting off buying them so far by myself. This has made me feel strong and good and supported again.
I can't imagine anything more testing to a relationship than infertility. It hits us at the core of everything. His infertility made him feel less like a man. He called himself a Jaffa - seedless fruit. I suppose mine has also made me feel me less like a real woman, or without the role and sense of purpose of a real woman which I long for. Nothing else seemed to matter to me for much of the past 2 years or so except the pursuit of fertility treatments. I suppose that made him feel that he didn't matter.
Most importantly, the lack of child leaves this gaping hole in our daily lives and makes us feel less of a family. Weekends can be very hard. It is as if we don't really know what to do with our time. It is no accident that we always argue at weekend time then things are lovely during the week.
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