Thyroid and AMH despair

I just had an appointment with a thyroid specialist, referred to by our fertility specialist. He doesn't think I have a thyroid problem. This is a good thing, but has made me sad.

I was so bouyant going up to London to see him. So hopeful. I even wore my sunny yellow cardigan and bought a colourful new bag. I was on the road to IVF again. It was exciting.

Those horrible months when it looked like H was going to pull away from it all were over. He had come around, at least for this cycle. It seemed he had just been afraid. It was all on again.

But now it is me who is afraid. Going through those papers again, explaining to the new guy our story, I remembered how bleak it is.

My AMH should be higher than 5, yet it is consistently 0.7. This is extraordinarily low and means I have hardly any eggs, or good eggs, am not sure which. I also have high FSH which means the same thing.

It is not something anyone has an explanation for. Or knows how to treat.

How I long for twisted fallopian tubes. Or cysts. Or anything clear cut and graspable. I especially long for us to be back to when they thought all that was wrong with us was H's low sperm count.

But what I have seems unfixable, a mystery. The NHS won't touch us. Not even the local private clinic held out much hope. We are going to the last chance saloon in London, the specialists in hopeless causes.

I went to this doctor because one of the tests I did with one of the people I have seen showed I have some high thyroid anti-bodies. This can sometimes have repercussions for fertility and mean the embryo doesn't 'stick' to the lining of the womb. This is easy to treat.

I suppose I had hoped he was going to say: "That's what it is," and there would have been an easy treatment. I even read something which said IVF chances increased to 50% with this treatment.

But my high antibodies are the ones which don't matter. The specialist said there is nothing wrong with me in that way at all.

Even if there had been, he said, it would have been a whole new issue, not connected to the AMH/FSH. It would not explain it, or suddenly make it treatable, but be an added thing which is wrong. We can obviously do without that, so it is good that my anti-bodies are the wrong ones.

Yet suddenly I feel like H, that this is all futile. Just when I persuaded him otherwise. I can't tell him. And nobody else will understand.