Denial

Still no reply from the doctor to my questions. Realistically she will probably say we need a consultation which will cost another £200 and possibly a trip to London.
Am wondering if I am fooling myself as don't seem to be full of doom and gloom about this being the end of the road or anything. I think there is an element of denial going on, or not wanting to face up to things until I hear back from the doc. Forwarded H on the email yesterday but didn't mention it to him last night. And of course he wouldn't. Plus he was mega grumpy and tired. Had moments of affection but on the whole in very low spirits.
If anything this slight doubt about whether I can go on with the next lap of IVF has made me realise quite how much I was looking forward to doing the treatments again. Am I mad?
I have heard IVF can be addictive. I think it is a mixture of the sense of purpose and possibility, and the nurturing support you get from the nurses. Part of me would give anything to be d0ing it right now - going in for those scans, injecting myself with needles every night, feeling like a pumped up baloon of hormones. I remember that part of the process as being full of hope and excitment. An extended version of when your period is a bit late and you haven't yet got to the toilet to see the red spots.