BFN

BFN. Was expecting it but still feel numb.

Shouted and hung up on a Virgin Media call centre man who refused to help after his engineer cut off our TV. He just didn't care, didn't even pretend to help, despite it obviously being their error. Engineer came yesterday to fix the internet and cut us off the TV as well. Just when I need TV trash the most.

Passed the hassle onto H who seemed chomping at the bit to attack them. Now not sure was a good idea. Also want to call them and shout at them some more.

H seemed surprised at the BFN. Didn't know what to say. Had seemed to blatantly obvious to me.

My friend was BFN as well. It feels like it is all a scam. IVF swallowing your money and no success.

Weekend Release

Weekend away for the wedding of my mum's best friend was the tonic I dearly needed.

H too. Drinking wine and joking around with a group of really nice people seemed to do him the world of good, he is back to his old self. At least for now.

Actually, he was good from Friday night when he came back. Doesn't seem to accept that just because I am bleeding means that I am not pregnant. I suppose the nurse in the clinic was quite emphatic that bleeding can happen. Its just I am pretty sure she didn't mean bleeding this much. It was nice to feel he had some hope though, somehow made me feel better. I will take the test tomorrow just in case, while not expecting much.

I have been feeling very tired, though. At points during the wedding and when I got back last night. Have been collapsed for most of today also. In and out of sleep on the sofa. I suppose it is a natural side effect of losing all this blood.

Was in a big dilemma about whether to drink at the wedding. In my head I can't see how I am pregnant. I have let myself have a bath and drink some caffeine. But alcohol seemed a step too far. In the end I volunteered myself as driver which took the dilemma away. Then found I didn't actually want to drink anyway. In retrospect I don't think I would not have been up to it as felt like I had a hangover without having a drop anyhow! I will allow myself a symbolic cocktail if the test is negative though.

The Comfort of Familiar Strangers

Odd day. Started so calmly. I thought I could cope with not being pregnant. That I was more accepting this time. I got stuck into the much needed gardening. Or de-weeding.

But as the day wore on emotions gave way. A friend sent me a necklace through the post, out of the blue, to let me know she was thinking of me. It had a little dolly on it, the symbol of our friendship group, and BF. Before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out in the garden.

Then I got angry with H, the fact that he wasn't there. The fact he hasn't been there for me this time. I know he can't help it. That being angry at him will just make things worse. But they were moments of fury, of blame.

Then I bought some plants to replace the weeds and felt better. Just going to see the flower man always makes me smile. He has become my friend. Then I went to my acupuncture appointment, having decided to lie to her, not tell her about my period starting. But I couldn't keep it up. She is so nice. And I trust her. I ended up crying in her room. She did some 'heart points' on me and I realised how good she is. Amazing how immediately comforted and warmed it made me feel.

Now I am in the cafe up the road which does Wi-Fi. Internet connection failed at home. Like the acupuncturist and the flower man, the funny little waiters here are also reassuringly familiar. I am not ready for facing friends yet but it is amazing what comfort can be got from these familiar strangers. Since talking to these three I feel sad but calm. Ok. In control.

I just need not to think that today probably means I will never have children. That dark thought which lurks unconfronted. I cannot quite confront it yet.

Full blown

Full blown period now. I know it can happen - but it feels like clutching at straws to believe I might possibly be pregnant now.

Somehow the fact that this period came so early, earlier even than last time, makes me feel more of a failure. I don't even get to do the test to see.

On top of this it is so bleak with H. He is working late and is very distant since Sunday's outburst. I emailed his sister with my concerns and she has replied very sensibly, but compounded my feelings that he just cannot live in this country. And I cannot live in Australia. Especially since it would just be for him.

Spotting - Beginning of the End?

Spotting has commenced. Brief blob yesterday then more this morning.

Rang clinic and they said lots of women have spotting in early pregnancy so to double up on the pessaries. But I feel it is the beginning of the end. Is too similar to last time. Don't know if it was my imagination but the nurse's voice of sympathy seemed to tell a different story to her words.

It was like that first doctor's eyes just before she told us that it wasn't just the case of H's low sperm and my high FSH but my almost negligent AMH. Didn't understand much except the sense of doom in her eyes at the time. Now realise that little statistic means my chances of pregnancy with my own eggs are very rare, almost negligent.

I know I should still have faith. Somehow it has failed me.

Went to Yoga last night. Took it very easy so it could not have been that. In fact it helped me. It is a very meditative class and I felt for a second while I was in there that it would be ok if I wasn't pregnant. Not in a 'I don't want to be pregnant way'. Obviously I still desperately do. But I felt, very temporarily, that it wouldn't mean the world caving in. The teacher is a funny little fella who likes to ramble on philosophically and he started talking about 'getting to Lakar’ in India. He said the path was not always clear. At certain times of the year it is to full of snow to pass and you had to wait, take pauses. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get there eventually. I felt very calm at that stage. That things could be good even if this doesn’t work.

Who knows, H says all he needs to be happier is to move away from the UK. Maybe if we did this, IVF would be easier, or something will happen more organically. Maybe it is all part of some bigger plan.

But I was still hoping for more time to hope. This spotting is so early - barely a week from transfer. Couldn't I have had a few days more?

Wordless Wednesday

Negative Day

Feeling very negative today. No pains in the tummy and have just stopped believing I might be pregnant. I feel too normal. The odds are too stacked against me. Even if they weren't the stress of H and how badly we are getting on has probably destroyed all chances.

Yet I have still got a whole week to wait and find out for sure. Hell.