When I Cannot Think of Nothing

Feeling extremely frazzled and exhausted. Very emotional. Very snappy. Forgot the drugs did this to you.

Just read this in my book. I liked it.

"Bessi says I think too much, and I get so sad sometimes - so I'd think about nothing.

"It's hard to think about nothing. I've tried it. You end up thinking about everything and getting stressed out. It's best to just think of one thing. A good thing."

He put his arms around her shoulders. "Sadness comes and goes like the seasons," he said. "Look at the sea. Think about that."

They said nothing for a long time. Georgia watched. The sun put diamonds on the waves. Towards dusk, there was a change in colour. It astonished her.

She wrote in her notebook, so that she would not forget: "Peace of mind, give me the calm to notice that there is a point along the ocean's horizon where the watery blue changes to a deeper complexion of blueness. When I cannot think of nothing, I must get away and come and find the sea."

As If I Was Famous

This is an experiment. These interviews with set questions which appear in the Guardian Weekend every Saturday always intrigue me. I thought I would pretend I was famous and answer them this time - in a first-thing-that-comes-into-my-head kind of way.

When were you happiest?

The first couple of years with H. Finally found the piece of the puzzle that was missing. Family was on the horizon, job was good, life was full of fun and friendship and togetherness.

What is your greatest fear?
Loneliness.

What is your earliest memory?
Waking up from a confusing dream and stumbling into my mum's room.

Which living person do you most admire?

A friend who has been living with terminal Cancer for about six years now yet is always everyone's shoulder to cry on and never feels sorry for herself.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Anxious paranoia.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Malice. That quality which makes certain people purposely put others down and try to harm them psychologically simply to make themselves feel better, more powerful. Also manipulation - playing people off against each other.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
A plane ticket home from Australia via New Zealand, the Cook Islands and Los Angeles.

What is your most treasured possession?
My cat.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Worry lines.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
To the first couple of years with H.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
My cat who disappeared.

What is your favourite book?
So many but Wuthering Heights I think. Or Alice in Wonderland?

What is the worst thing anyone's said to you?
Don't want to dwell on that.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Biscuits and boxsets in the afternoon. Or Home and Away.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
When I was a news reporter I had to do death knocks. Once I ended up on the doorstep of a little girl's house moments after she had died. I would like to say sorry to her parents. I was told to do it but I should have refused and walked away. Later on I pretended I had knocked and never did.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
H.

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
My dearest friends.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I don't understand/ I feel misunderstood.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I would say some of the things I was too scared to. Regret lingers on so much more than embarrassment. I would tell lots of boys I liked them, friends that I had had a great time, strangers that I would like to give that a go. I wish I had been less shy in my youth, less afraid of rejection. The best things that have happened in my life involved throwing caution to the wind.

How do you relax?
Lying in a candle-lit bubble bath or in the sun. Both with a book which I sometimes read, sometimes just look at and think about reading.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Children. A family.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Conquering a lot of my fear and shyness.

What keeps you awake at night?
Anxiety.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
You can't control it.

Where would you most like to be right now?
In a sunny garden with H and children running round.

Wanderer returns

H back. For the time being all is lovely again.

He did the drugs last night. Not much better at it than me if the truth be known but at least there's one less responsibility for me to handle. And so far we are good together. He laughed when I made broccoli (one of the things the doctor recommended for fertility) and he ate it rather than getting angry about 'old wives tales' and us having to dedicate our lives to the fertility battle.

Can we really have turned a corner? I daren't believe it, trust it. Part of me is suspicious, waiting for the horrors to return.

New temping job today too which is fun. PA to the Dean of infectious diseases up at the medical school at the University. At first I was a bit befuddled as it was unclear exactly what I was supposed to be doing but by the end of the day I was really enjoying it.

The Dean is a very short but very nice man. Not got little man syndrome at all. Obviously passionate about what he does and an academic - but not distant or hoity toity.

I spent the afternoon typing up letters confirming jobs after the probationary period had passed. He was so effusive about how wonderful every single person was, I nearly shed a tear. There was even a slightly cross letter asking whether it wasn't an insult to such obviously talented people to put them through this probationary rigmarole at all. Wasn't it obvious they should be confirmed? He felt embarrassed even bringing it up.

I did have some issues with technology though which made me feel like a dysfunctional cartoon character. I don't know whether it was me or the archaic systems they use. Probably both. The dean asked me to make a cappuccino, which is fine, probably the job of a PA for all I know. But I wasn't very good at it and the machine nearly exploded. Then a student came in wanting to use the fax machine and we couldn't get it to work. Then I had issues with the machine which imported his dictaphone and everyone ended up getting involved - not very helpfully. Even the email seems to be misbehaving. The Dean keeps saying he has sent emails but none come through. Sigh.

Menopur Madness

O dear. am suffering from a bit of a dip today I fear. And had been going so well.

Started on the Menopur last night and perhaps predictably found it very stressful. It isn't the actual sticking the needle in now, that felt curiously easy, it is all the fiddly stuff - the mixing up of the powers and liquids. As I am such a lost cause I am on the highest dose possible, which means I have to inject six vials worth of liquid. This involves putting the mixing needle full of liquid into one vial so that it mixes with the powder in there then drawing up every last drop and repeating for the other five vials. I didn't even seem to be able to manage doing one vial properly but left quite an amount of liquid in the bottom of the vial. I kept on putting the needle in the vial and trying to draw up again but each time I failed, with every vial I tried. I got myself pretty worked up, practically crying with frustration and despair, and even screamed at the poor cat who was mioawing at the door since I had shut her out. I felt terrible. She is not used to being shouted at.

In the end, after about an hour of doing this vial-and-needle dance, I just injected what I could but am sure I missed quite a lot. This depressed me. As it took so long I missed talking to H who was going to phone to see how it went and also meant I was late going round to a friend's for dinner.

I have felt quite down and flat ever since. Didn't do too much at all today except housework despite having had plans and even ended up watching three episodes of the West Wing this afternoon. Been a while since I succumbed to daytime TV. Doesn't seem to be that good a sign.

I don't know whether this mood is a result of the drugs or the trauma or just a general mood. Also got a letter in the post today from the clinic, obviously delayed, should have come after the last consultation a month and a half ago. It outlined our scenario but seemed full of very negative language, as if it is very unlikely we will even get to the egg collection stage.

Also have an ongoing issue with a friend I fell out with last year, or more accurately who fell out with me. She got pregnant in the heights of my despair about my infertility. It was a time when I was commuting and working horrific shifts as well as dealing with extreme heartache and actually not seeing many people at all. Maybe I saw even less of her than most people because of the pregnancy, I don't know, or maybe because she is an extremely tactless person. Anyhow, it felt out-of-the-blue and unjustified when she took extreme offence, accused me of "not being happy for her" and abused me to all mutual friends, even calling up H. I sent her an email trying to explain I had no personal grudge against her, that I just needed my own space as was going through a very difficult time and received "I am pregnant and don't need your emotional shit" as a reply. I have been very angry and resentful about this and neither of us have contacted us for 6 months or so, despite the birth of her son and other stuff. Recently I have been filled with the need to leave adolescent nonsense behind and move forward and tried to make contact again. I sent a short email asking if she would like to meet for coffee, I was not proposing revisiting old sources of conflict but it would be nice to be a presence in each other's lives. It has been nearly a week now but there has been no reply. Not quite sure what I expected, but it has re-opened all the old wounds of hurt all over again. I should never have gone there...

Always Answer The Phone With a Big Smile

Amazing night last night. Went to see 2 breathtaking shows at the festival. The first a play about a strange but very tender and true love between a celebrated 19th Century poet and his maid. Unconventional and disapproved of by society but very real all the same. The second an 'urban' circus - a group of streetkids from Colombia fusing bonkers acrobatics, intoxicating dance and mind-blowing stunts with a zestful, sexy swagger. Both were life-affirming. I came home feeling great.

It is so great to feel great and un-burdened by this treatment thing. I can't help but compare things a bit with last time. A year ago (almost) on our first round of IVF. Part of me thinks it is all completely different now, this time. I am going out rather than hiding away, I don't feel so broken. I am temping locally and by-and-large enjoying it rather than exhaustingly hiking to work in London for ludicrous shift patterns plus all the politics and stress of fitting in my treatments around work. Yes, at times it feels like it is all much better now.

But then again, there is this doubt saying: 'Really? Is it Really so different?' There was a period of great darkness followed by a period of hope last year too. I remember feeling good during the drug taking and lead up to collection and transfer too. We were being proactive. I was happy. Maybe it all is a recurring pattern.

I had a good day today too. Lovely acupuncture session this morning then on my way home I got a call from the temping agency saying they needed someone for a few hours this afternoon. It was in a plastic surgery clinic. Intriguing. There were lots of Buxom blondes come to check up on their breast enlargement. A few more unexpected types too - overweight ladies with walking sticks coming for skin treatment. Perhaps they needed something to make them feel happier, better with themselves.

I did not have to do much, except dress up. Or so the agency woman said. She made a big deal about telling me I had to do my hair and put on nail varnish and wear a black suit. I even felt panicked about it. I don't have a black suit. I have been told black clashes with my skin tone. I wore what I think is smart, office-y grey skirt, white Gap shirt and high heels. Had quite a job tottering down there in heels. Then got there and felt very overdressed. That patronising whatsit agency woman talking rubbish at me. What did she think? I was going to turn up in jeans?

Anyway it didn't matter. All I had to do apparently is 'Be lovely to everyone'. There was a lot of emphasis on 'being lovely' there. Even a sign which said 'Answer the phone with a big smile'. I enjoyed bathing in all the loveliness for an afternoon. Feeling all sunny and 'We are here to help' -ish. Maybe if I am in need someday I will go and get a nose job - just to bask in the loveliness some more.

To Drink or Not To Drink

Well another day and the injections feel like they are getting easier. Must have done something different or better as the needle went in really easily.

Am feeling tired but a lot better than last week when I was on the pill, when I felt very emotional all the time. I still find myself having anxieties but they are worries about things going wrong rather than feeling things are wrong. At the moment I have been filling my life with fun festival things to do. Saw one play yesterday, a very low key fringe rendition of the Greek myth of Dido. Going to see two more tonight and then another tomorrow. Wowzers. Haven't been so cultural in an age.

I suppose going to see things means the not drinking thing is not such an issue. I want to keep social and busy this time around but seeing certain friends makes it very hard not to drink. Was invited to a dinner party in 2 weekends today which normally would be lovely but found myself getting all anxious about it. The friends just do not understand the not drinking thing. See it as an old wives tale or something. I could just about cope with it but there would be problems with H I feel. Maybe we should just not go though that seems a shame to cut ourselves off.

Agghhh. there goes my anxious brain again - causing issues where there need be none.

When will your thumb ovulate?

Well the day came to start the treatments again. Despite being almost a year it feels quite fast all of a sudden. I had been taking the pill for the past 2 weeks and went in for a scan on Thursday. They gave me all the needles and told me to start with the Seprecur the next day. This shuts you down a bit in preparation for the Menopur which I have to start after a week. The Menopur will help the ovaries grow. Hopefully. I don't have to go back until after I have been injecting the Menopur, with a reduced dose of the Seprecur, for a week.

H is away for work for 2 weeks which makes me sad as I had hoped this was something we would do together. But hey ho. Last time I had to do it alone too. I was working funny shifts so was at work and had to slip away to find spare rooms to lay out my needles and potions. It left me feeling slightly sordid. And paranoid I would get caught and have to explain to some random person.

So at least I am home this time even if it is home alone. And H has been calling. He has been very attentive and kind actually.

I thought the actual injecting would be easier, being experienced and everything. But no. I got the needle out on the first day and my butter fingers somehow managed to stab my thumb with it. It swelled up and went purple. H asked when it will ovulate.

I also got confused because the needle point didn't reach the liquid in the phial. It was not until I phoned the nurse that I was realised the obvious. I was supposed to turn it upside down.

I am just not a natural at all this stuff. The next day I panicked because a scab formed. the third day I agonised because I thought maybe the scab meant I wasn't supposed to push the needle point all the way in as I had been. I searched the internet for wisdom, even watching a 'how to inject' video on YouTube. In the end I phoned the nurse again - already irritated with me. She said fine to push it all the way in. The scab would have been because I would have hit a blood vessel. Ouch. that does not sound good