Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Hallelujah
We are finally making tentative steps forward. An appointment at the IVF clinic. Thank god.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
It is not yours to bear
I love a bit of telly costume drama on a Sunday night. It makes me feel comforted and warm like a fluffy dressing gown in front of the fire.
There's always plenty of old-fashioned values about helping out your neighbour, people really loving each other no matter what and some words of wisdom to bring tears to your eyes.
The words of wisdom offered up last Sunday have been reverberating with me all week. A recluse hides away in his grief refusing help. A woman tries to force help upon him. "I cannot bear your isolation," she says.
"It is not yours to bear," he says.
When H slips into his moods of fury and depression and locks himself into the world he is in at the moment - there is nothing I can do to reach him. And I cannot bear it. And he won't let me in to try and help. He doesn't let anyone in.
I know I have been difficult to cope with over this infertility business. I know it has obsessed me and made me very emotional at times. I know I have lost a lot of the joy he fell in love with me for.
But it is not all about me. He is using me as an excuse. His withdrawing is about him as much as me. Him not being able to cope, being confused, being scared, whatever. I still truely believe he wants to do IVF really, just wants to hide away and wait until he is ready and can cope.
But time is running out. My periods are getting worse and worse and I am convinced I am heading towards early menopause and I am terrified.
We are getting on so much better now, we are tender with each other and kind. There has even been a bit of laughter - of fun. Just so long as we don't mention the unmentionable.
I can't bring it up again yet. We are still learning to enjoy each other again as well as battling flu symptoms and the daily tiredness of life in winter. Forcing the issue again might send us reeling back to square one again. Especially if I inadvertedly pick the wrong time.
But the longer it is left dangling the lesser chance I have of ever having that longed for baby in my arms. And him. The lesser chance he has of being the wonderful dad I know he longs to be.
There are times when I just cannot bear it. And surely it is mine to bear too.
There's always plenty of old-fashioned values about helping out your neighbour, people really loving each other no matter what and some words of wisdom to bring tears to your eyes.
The words of wisdom offered up last Sunday have been reverberating with me all week. A recluse hides away in his grief refusing help. A woman tries to force help upon him. "I cannot bear your isolation," she says.
"It is not yours to bear," he says.
When H slips into his moods of fury and depression and locks himself into the world he is in at the moment - there is nothing I can do to reach him. And I cannot bear it. And he won't let me in to try and help. He doesn't let anyone in.
I know I have been difficult to cope with over this infertility business. I know it has obsessed me and made me very emotional at times. I know I have lost a lot of the joy he fell in love with me for.
But it is not all about me. He is using me as an excuse. His withdrawing is about him as much as me. Him not being able to cope, being confused, being scared, whatever. I still truely believe he wants to do IVF really, just wants to hide away and wait until he is ready and can cope.
But time is running out. My periods are getting worse and worse and I am convinced I am heading towards early menopause and I am terrified.
We are getting on so much better now, we are tender with each other and kind. There has even been a bit of laughter - of fun. Just so long as we don't mention the unmentionable.
I can't bring it up again yet. We are still learning to enjoy each other again as well as battling flu symptoms and the daily tiredness of life in winter. Forcing the issue again might send us reeling back to square one again. Especially if I inadvertedly pick the wrong time.
But the longer it is left dangling the lesser chance I have of ever having that longed for baby in my arms. And him. The lesser chance he has of being the wonderful dad I know he longs to be.
There are times when I just cannot bear it. And surely it is mine to bear too.
Friday, 5 February 2010
Grrrrrrrr
A friend phoned me up this morning in tears. She has been trying for a baby for quite some time and been enviably serene about it all but may have reached breaking point.
Her sister just told her she was pregnant and she found herself upset. I think what she was most upset about was being upset. She didn't want to have that reaction, she didn't want to be like that. She was happy for her sister. But also felt like it was unfair. She was older and she had been trying for ages. And the reminder hurt.
I tried to tell her she was allowed those feelings but I don't think I got through.
It makes me very angry that it is considered so unacceptable to have such feelings that people like us end up feeling like we are horrible and mean on top of everything else.
Grrrrrrr.
Her sister just told her she was pregnant and she found herself upset. I think what she was most upset about was being upset. She didn't want to have that reaction, she didn't want to be like that. She was happy for her sister. But also felt like it was unfair. She was older and she had been trying for ages. And the reminder hurt.
I tried to tell her she was allowed those feelings but I don't think I got through.
It makes me very angry that it is considered so unacceptable to have such feelings that people like us end up feeling like we are horrible and mean on top of everything else.
Grrrrrrr.
Limbo-Land
Again it has been a long time since I wrote.
Things with H completely broke down and we went through a very black time when we could not reach each other or communicate in any way.
Things feel better now in the sense that we are laughing together again. Cuddling, talking, being a couple. But I still do not understand what happened or what it all means for the future. We have not addressed any of things that made things fall apart, they are still unaddressable and unbearable.
We have not talked about the 'plans' side of thing and I do not know whether we are going to do the IVF or not. I do not think I should even broach the subject at the moment. I know I shouldn't. I think it would make things explode again. I have to be patient. wait in Limbo-Land and start living for the now.
This is hard on my head. I want to there to be a plan. But it can't be forced. We have to concentrate on the moment and us and getting better together slowly.
I am drinking quite a lot of alcohol as well which makes things better in a way but also makes me feel guilty and in despair.
Things with H completely broke down and we went through a very black time when we could not reach each other or communicate in any way.
Things feel better now in the sense that we are laughing together again. Cuddling, talking, being a couple. But I still do not understand what happened or what it all means for the future. We have not addressed any of things that made things fall apart, they are still unaddressable and unbearable.
We have not talked about the 'plans' side of thing and I do not know whether we are going to do the IVF or not. I do not think I should even broach the subject at the moment. I know I shouldn't. I think it would make things explode again. I have to be patient. wait in Limbo-Land and start living for the now.
This is hard on my head. I want to there to be a plan. But it can't be forced. We have to concentrate on the moment and us and getting better together slowly.
I am drinking quite a lot of alcohol as well which makes things better in a way but also makes me feel guilty and in despair.
Friday, 15 January 2010
Waiting for the Magic Show to End
Last night I came back from seeing a friend and H was sleeptalking again. "I am waiting for the magic show to end," he said.
I seem to have got into the habit of seeing everything as a metaphor recently and this was no exception.
It has been a long time since I last wrote. Christmas has happened and our trip to Australia to see H's family and things have gone very bad between me and him. Espedcially last weekend, when we got back, our first chance to talk about things.
It all feels very bleak at the moment. Am not sure if we can stay together after the things said and done. If we can stay together am not sure if we are strong enough to do IVF again - it seems to be tearing us apart. He says the whole process has brought out the worst in both of us.
But saying goodbye to all that wrenches at my heart.
When we were in Australia we went to a forest one day where Tingle trees grow. Tingles are one of the biggest trees on the continent but have relatively small root systems and grow in shallow soils. A lot of them had chimneys, or blackened hollows caused by fire or insect/fungal attack. These gaping holes tend to grow as the Tingle grows, until some were a gaping void of space which the tree then depends upon. Not only was it impossible for these hallows to close up, but it was part of the fabric of the tree that they exist.
Again, the metaphors.
I seem to have got into the habit of seeing everything as a metaphor recently and this was no exception.
It has been a long time since I last wrote. Christmas has happened and our trip to Australia to see H's family and things have gone very bad between me and him. Espedcially last weekend, when we got back, our first chance to talk about things.
It all feels very bleak at the moment. Am not sure if we can stay together after the things said and done. If we can stay together am not sure if we are strong enough to do IVF again - it seems to be tearing us apart. He says the whole process has brought out the worst in both of us.
But saying goodbye to all that wrenches at my heart.
When we were in Australia we went to a forest one day where Tingle trees grow. Tingles are one of the biggest trees on the continent but have relatively small root systems and grow in shallow soils. A lot of them had chimneys, or blackened hollows caused by fire or insect/fungal attack. These gaping holes tend to grow as the Tingle grows, until some were a gaping void of space which the tree then depends upon. Not only was it impossible for these hallows to close up, but it was part of the fabric of the tree that they exist.
Again, the metaphors.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Hindsight
Reading another blog has spun me into a spiral of restrospection and hindsight about the emotional journey I/we have been through over the past couple of years - in particular since diagnosis a year and a bit ago.
Like the blogger, it has been one of the toughest periods of my life. I never knew I could cry so much or be that fragile. I find it hard to explain to people why the devastation has been so utterly overwhelming. Something to do with the 5 years of monthly disappointments and fooling myself that nothing was wrong. Something to do with being a lonely, only child of a single parent family longing for a family of my own for a long, long time.
But now, like the blogger, I wouldn't change anything - I wouldn't want the past year or so to be any other way.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who sadly seems to be at the beginning of the very hardest bit of the infertility journey - when all you do is cry and be totally overwhelmed by feelings you don't understand. I realised talking to her that I wasn't quite in that place anymore. While I am not that much further on medically - or at least it doesn't feel like it - I have come a long way emotionally and wouldn't have if I hadn't let myself give in to those tears and hide myself away in the devastation. It had to be done and I am better off for it. I truely believe times like these make you a stronger and wiser person and makes you and your partner closer if you let it.
Obviously my yearning for a baby is still so overwhelmingly strong. I constantly find myself in moments, like at the carol concert last week when all the little ones came out to sing their song, when I am overcome with tears of longing and grief. But I now just let myself feel those moments and I can cope with them. It does not stop me wanting to spend time around children anymore.
And I do not believe this longing for a child necessarily means I would change the struggle I have had/am having to get one. It may take some of us a bit longer to get to the top of the mountain. But just because our path is longer it does not mean we have wasted time, just that we have seen other things along the way which could turn out to be invaluable.
Like the blogger, it has been one of the toughest periods of my life. I never knew I could cry so much or be that fragile. I find it hard to explain to people why the devastation has been so utterly overwhelming. Something to do with the 5 years of monthly disappointments and fooling myself that nothing was wrong. Something to do with being a lonely, only child of a single parent family longing for a family of my own for a long, long time.
But now, like the blogger, I wouldn't change anything - I wouldn't want the past year or so to be any other way.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who sadly seems to be at the beginning of the very hardest bit of the infertility journey - when all you do is cry and be totally overwhelmed by feelings you don't understand. I realised talking to her that I wasn't quite in that place anymore. While I am not that much further on medically - or at least it doesn't feel like it - I have come a long way emotionally and wouldn't have if I hadn't let myself give in to those tears and hide myself away in the devastation. It had to be done and I am better off for it. I truely believe times like these make you a stronger and wiser person and makes you and your partner closer if you let it.
Obviously my yearning for a baby is still so overwhelmingly strong. I constantly find myself in moments, like at the carol concert last week when all the little ones came out to sing their song, when I am overcome with tears of longing and grief. But I now just let myself feel those moments and I can cope with them. It does not stop me wanting to spend time around children anymore.
And I do not believe this longing for a child necessarily means I would change the struggle I have had/am having to get one. It may take some of us a bit longer to get to the top of the mountain. But just because our path is longer it does not mean we have wasted time, just that we have seen other things along the way which could turn out to be invaluable.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Miracle Cures
Am feeling guilty today because I snapped at my mum. We went to see her for an early Christmas weekend as we are going to H's family in Australia. Really wanted to make it special for her as she was very generous encouraging us to go and I have a feeling she's going to have a miserable time with this older lady friend of hers who is very ill and quite possibly on her last Christmas. She does have more cheerful friends she could be with, but she is thinking of this older lady.
Anyhow, everything was going good. H even came to her school carol concert in the cathedral which would normally be his idea of torture and she was very happy about this. We pulled crackers, played card tricks and told jokes. Then she started going on about this homeopathic medecine she wants me to take for the IVF and I couldn't bear it. I snapped several times that I did not want to talk about it and then just kept on snapping 'I will bear it in my mind' in a very unconvincing way.
It wasn't just a case of taking this stuff to keep her happy. I would have to get a hair anaylsed and go for a special appointment and get stuff imported from Spain. I don't want all of that - I spent too much time last time worrying about what I was eating, drinking, doing etc and no longer think it makes much difference. I really want to keep it simple this time. Obviously eat healthily and not drink, but other than that just try to stay happy. Maybe do acupuncture - but even that I am not sure.
I am so sick of suggestions of 'miracle cures' and stories about people who have taken such 'miracle cures' and had success. Or the other favourite of my mum's, people who have struggled for years and then 'just relaxed' and a miracle baby just popped along. Not only does this not take into account how often this DOESN'T happen, but it makes you feel that if it doesn't work it is your fault for not 'relaxing enough' or not taking that '1 miracle cure' which might save you.
Trying all these random things just increases the anxiety and stress of the situation and makes me feel more frantic and to blame. This time around, I have to not do this.
But this is very hard for my mum to get. She doesn't believe in medical doctors anyhow - for her its all about hippy dippy things and chakras. It is not that I completely dismiss all alternative medecine - but it is just not what I need right now. But there's almost no point trying to explain. She 'means well' and I have to find a way to deal with her way without hurting her feelings and making me feel guilty in response. If only I could go back and just not tell her about it all!!
Anyhow, everything was going good. H even came to her school carol concert in the cathedral which would normally be his idea of torture and she was very happy about this. We pulled crackers, played card tricks and told jokes. Then she started going on about this homeopathic medecine she wants me to take for the IVF and I couldn't bear it. I snapped several times that I did not want to talk about it and then just kept on snapping 'I will bear it in my mind' in a very unconvincing way.
It wasn't just a case of taking this stuff to keep her happy. I would have to get a hair anaylsed and go for a special appointment and get stuff imported from Spain. I don't want all of that - I spent too much time last time worrying about what I was eating, drinking, doing etc and no longer think it makes much difference. I really want to keep it simple this time. Obviously eat healthily and not drink, but other than that just try to stay happy. Maybe do acupuncture - but even that I am not sure.
I am so sick of suggestions of 'miracle cures' and stories about people who have taken such 'miracle cures' and had success. Or the other favourite of my mum's, people who have struggled for years and then 'just relaxed' and a miracle baby just popped along. Not only does this not take into account how often this DOESN'T happen, but it makes you feel that if it doesn't work it is your fault for not 'relaxing enough' or not taking that '1 miracle cure' which might save you.
Trying all these random things just increases the anxiety and stress of the situation and makes me feel more frantic and to blame. This time around, I have to not do this.
But this is very hard for my mum to get. She doesn't believe in medical doctors anyhow - for her its all about hippy dippy things and chakras. It is not that I completely dismiss all alternative medecine - but it is just not what I need right now. But there's almost no point trying to explain. She 'means well' and I have to find a way to deal with her way without hurting her feelings and making me feel guilty in response. If only I could go back and just not tell her about it all!!
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