Limbo-Land

Again it has been a long time since I wrote.
Things with H completely broke down and we went through a very black time when we could not reach each other or communicate in any way.
Things feel better now in the sense that we are laughing together again. Cuddling, talking, being a couple. But I still do not understand what happened or what it all means for the future. We have not addressed any of things that made things fall apart, they are still unaddressable and unbearable.
We have not talked about the 'plans' side of thing and I do not know whether we are going to do the IVF or not. I do not think I should even broach the subject at the moment. I know I shouldn't. I think it would make things explode again. I have to be patient. wait in Limbo-Land and start living for the now.
This is hard on my head. I want to there to be a plan. But it can't be forced. We have to concentrate on the moment and us and getting better together slowly.

I am drinking quite a lot of alcohol as well which makes things better in a way but also makes me feel guilty and in despair.